Rent Boy

Oh, blog.

Stop sitting here so woebegone and neglected, so cobwebby and stale. With your links, your self-reflection. Your judgment!

Yes, stop please. And start helping me with a more noble endeavor: Housing!

Were I able to move my IKEA bed and weathered coffee table into a sunlit corner of I Love and Hate Everything's cozy halls, I would. But I can't. So instead, this echoing chamber of snark and twentysomething angst will today serve as a community bulletin board.

And triumphantly tacked to it? A personal ad for that most personal of relationships: a roommate.
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That's right, long-suffering readers.

Richelle and I--we of the hilariously juxtaposed height difference, the Kardashian impressions, the Press Club explosions--have had a great run, but will be closing the chapter on our co-habitation at the end of this month. She and her sister are joining forces in Boulevard Park.

And I, tethered to midtown by both heart and soul, must find new housing by the end of this month. As in September. As in 28 days later. As in ... zombies.

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And so, readers, that's where you come in!

Please help me snag an awesome new living situation right here in midtown. Or East Sac. Or Land Park. I'm not terribly picky, I just know what I like.

If you know of anyone who has a great place in the area--and who is looking for a smart, hip (sometimes) blogger to share the bills with (who isn't, really?)--please pass along my info.

Ideally? Here's my wish list:

• 2 bedroom, 2 bath
• $650 range, including utils, wireless, weekly masseuse (jokes!)
• A clean, smart, sensible roommate
  
• I'm looking to maintain a home, not just some place to crash and trash
• Smoking's fine--outside
  
• Doggies and kittehs are great, as long as I don't have to clean up after them.
• A fellow young professional? Late 20s, early 30s. Meaning quiet time by 10 p.m. on weeknights
  
• They should enjoy, or at least tolerate, the company of this one
• I'm not necessarily looking for a BFF, just a non-creeper, non-psycho
  
• Please have furniture and a TV, a modicum of taste, and maybe a Scrabble board.
  

So there you have it.

My first blog post in months and it's not all about me. It's also about my awesome new roommate.

I know s/he exists. Perhaps wishing, somewhere out there, beneath the pale blue sky, for someone like me to share a sweet midtown flat with.

So do your social media magic, reader. Your texting and your tweeting and your Reddit! Maybe an old fashioned carrier pigeon for good measure. I would definitely appreciate help in networking my way into a swell new house or apartment with an equally swell human being who can watch me blog about how swell it is to live in midtown with them.

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In all seriousness, please keep your eyes and ears open for anybody in your network who has a two-bedroom in midtown, Land Park or East Sac, and needs a roommate.

I've got a few prospects on Craigslist, but thought I'd cast as wide a net as possible--with all four of my readers--in the paper-thin hope that my new dream apartment with perfect roommate accessory is just an email tip away:

jdschuller [at] gmail [dot] com.

And now, some picures!

It's as if these pictures say, "Look at my varied interests! My joie de vivre! My reliability!" Such a tolerance of popsicles and Dalmations.

An easy sell.

Plus: lion costume. Need I say more?